So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
