At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
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