I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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