i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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