Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
