nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If its not for food we ain't going out.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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