Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
