i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
