party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
