and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
