it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
