Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
