We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
