What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
