some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
