You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
