We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
