ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
