Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
