I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
