i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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