My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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