I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
