Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
