i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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