is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
