New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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