im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
