i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
