yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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