I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
