so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My ATM looks so different sober.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
