she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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