FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
