her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
