Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
