I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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