eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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