I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
