You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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