y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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