I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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