Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
