I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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