if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wear drunk well.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
