She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
