my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
