Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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