If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
