I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
